Sunroofs are like a kiss from heaven

My car died the last day of last year. The week it died, my phone and camera also kicked the bucket (my phone revived after 4 days but the camera, like my car, never did)--anyway, I digress.

For the past 4 1/2 months, Brian has been taking me to and picking me up from work. After the first initial wave of panic, I tried to look on the bright side and think of how close this would force my family to be. I love my family, but some days being together can pull you apart. My dreams changed from wanting to be thin, live in a better neighborhood and have enough discretionary income for any last minute thing I want to do, to driving on a freeway for hours, BY MYSELF!!!!!

After looking at our options in fixing my Durango, we decided we needed to go ahead and get rid of it. In the beginning, I prayed fervently for the cost to fix my car to be minimal. When that did not happen, I started praying for another car. I didn't pray for any specific kind of car--I asked for the basics--let it run, have a/c, power windows would be awesome (in Brian's truck, the handle is broken off the window on the passenger side, so I can never open mine) and low mileage. Oh, and God, I don't need it, but it would feel like an extra-special kiss from you if it had a sunroof--I realize that is not necessary, but I'm gonna just throw it out there."

Funny thing happened...as we were looking for cars, every one we were presented with as an option in our budget, all had sunroofs--every stinkin one of them!

I wish I could say I waited patiently and embraced the time without my own car, but I didn't. I wish I could say it drew us closer as a family, but I don't think that happened. What I CAN say, is that while the interim time was hard, it will be a fading memory this morning when I drive myself to work, and again this afternoon, when I drive myself home (and maybe even when I sneak out during Sonic Happy Hour to get a slushie!).

While I don't see myself looking back on these last few months fondly, I do see the benefits of the hard time--things that would take too long to explain here, but are definite signs that God did not forget about me during that time. I never believed He ignored my prayers or left them unanswered--He just said "No--I have something different in mind for you."

Maybe it was because He wanted me to rely on Him during this time. Maybe because He wanted us to have a car with a lower monthly payment. Maybe because He wanted me to really notice when He gave me an extra-special kiss. I don't know why and honestly, don't really care. What I do know is that through this, my faith in Him remained unshaken and I truly believed He would provide--even thought I didn't know the timing. For a doubter like me, this is big.

So, if my hair is messier than usual on top over the next few days, just know that I'm savoring my kiss from heaven and the best kisses leave you looking disheveled.

Sonic Ice

Sonic ice makes everything taste better.

I made a pitcher of pink lemonade. When I say "made" I mean that I took a can of frozen concentrate and mixed it with water. (I buy the Target brand because it's 84 cents and the Minute Maid is over a dollar.) Sometimes, I get an extremely sour one and it tastes bitter.

This is one of those bitter ones. I drank it last night with the regular ice that the freezer makes and the only reason I kept drinking it was because I was tired of water. (I'll save the story of why I no longer drink caffeine for another day)

So, today, I used some of the Sonic ice from the freezer. I don't often buy ice from Sonic anymore--it's a luxury because of how expensive it is now (yes, I consider more than 3 dollars for a bag of ice a luxury). But, a few weeks ago, our ice maker couldn't keep up with the amount we were using and I forgot to pick up a bag from the store, so I was lazy and parked at Sonic where they brought it out to me.

Anyway, I filled my cup with Sonic ice and added the pink lemonade. While I still taste a tinge of the bitterness, it's nowhere near as bad as it was last night or even an hour ago with regular ice.

It's funny how seemingly simple things can soften our bitterness.

Sometimes there just aren't words...

Caroline, this morning: "Mom, my hair looks like...looks like...looks like...a really bad thing!
Sometimes there just aren't words to describe a bad hair day

Thanks, Joe!

So, I went to Walmart tonight, looking for a yellow shirt, a backpack and a hat. Random, I know. Anyway, I went through the self-check out (only got the hat--which ended up not fitting Brian--and a book for myself) and pushed the button for $20 cash back. I grabbed my receipt and bag, said goodnight to Joe, the cashier at the stand and left. As I was in Target (decided I didn't need the yellow shirt, but was still looking for a backpack, I realized I never grabbed my cash. So, I left Target and drove back over to Walmart, not sure if it was still there, but it was worth a try. I grabbed my receipt and walked in the door and Joe immediately recognized me and went to his till and pulled out a $20 bill. Thanks for looking out for a stranger, Joe!

Nana Barbara and Cassie

Cassie is Nana Barbara's newest pet. Let me give you a bit of history...

Nana Barbara is Brian's aunt. Since she is our cousin's "Nana," my girls have dubbed her "Nana Barbara." She's one of those people who is just pure in heart. You know the type--people and animals are just drawn to her sincere kindness.

Barbara's house is known by many in the city. It's the house where unwanted animals just appear. She tends to have a few dogs and cats at any given time. She once sat on the ground by the side of the road for over an hour, waiting for an injured dog to let her help.

I'm not sure how Cassie came to live at Barbara's, but she has been there for over a year. Cassie was abused by her previous owner. I don't think there are any physical signs of it, but it is obvious to all who try to get close to her.

Cassie is petrified of people. She literally shakes when anyone comes near. She follows Barbara's every step, and is most content when sitting next to her on the sofa--that's the only place I've been able to get close enough to pet her. Even then, she was shaking so much, that I felt bad for trying to show her affection.

Cassie has 100 acres to run and enjoy. But she doesn't. There are 3 houses on the farm filled with people who adore animals, but she won't allow herself to enjoy that love. Nobody has abused her for over a year, and yet, she still trembles at any noise.

In contrast, Baxter is another dog at the farm. He arrived during Christmas a few years ago and is well-loved. He takes full advantage of the farm and all it has to offer. He has no fear of people and jumps up into strangers' laps. Being around him, makes me want to laugh.

Do you see where I'm going with this? While I know Cassie must have had a horrible past, those circumstances are no longer her reality. Because she is too scared to allow herself to accept the love that is given to her--with no strings attached--she sits on a sofa, in a house, rather than running around the farm with the other animals.

I think many of us can relate to Cassie. We have a Father who loves us tremendously, but we can't bask in that love because we are so scared of our past. So, rather than enjoy the full scope of what He has given us, we sit, paralyzed and shaking on a sofa.

So my daily choice is, do I live today as Cassie or Baxter?

The lump in Hope's throat

A few weeks ago, a friend of ours was asked to go to Haiti to document the devastation there with pictures and video. My heart had already been softened toward that country, but this gave me a personal reason to follow a blog by World Orphans. One of those nights, I was telling Brian about a scare of aftershocks that the team had experienced and Hope was in the room.

I feel strongly about bringing my girls on whatever journey God has me on, but I also want to protect their eyes and ears. We had talked about Haiti as a family, so she was aware of the earthquake, but I hadn't really shared the details of it with her. As she listened to Brian and I talking, she asked several questions about the kids over there. After a while, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I'm scared for those kids. I have a lump in my throat."

We talked about that "lump" and how God sometimes gives us physical reactions to make our hearts soft for others. Brian asked her, "So, when you feel that lump, what can you do?" She, of course, said, "I don't know--I can't go there to help." So we talked about how she could pray every time she felt that lump. And we did that. Then, I shared a story of another girl from our church who was giving a violin recital to raise money for the orphans of Haiti and she became excited. "I could make potholders for them" she exclaimed! We tried to tread lightly here--we loved her heart, but knew the Haitians really had no need for potholders and there was no way of getting those to them--even if they did need them. So we talked about how she could make potholders, sell them and give the money to an organization that would help the Haitian orphans. She was very excited and started working on a new potholder right away.

As the weeks have gone by, I have tried to back off and let her lead in this. While I would love for her to go crazy making and selling potholders, I would rather her do it in her own time and really own the process. I don't want her to do it because her parents want her to--I want her to do it out of an overflow of compassion in her heart. She's made a couple of them, we've set a price, I bought her more material, but that's been about it. Until today.

She came home from school with $10 from her teacher and one less potholder (I didn't even know she had put them in her backpack). She even recruited a friend who wants to help with them. So, it looks like she is in the potholder business. She has 3 made and is working on her 4th. I told her I would send an email out to my friends when she had 5 made to show, but I wanted to document it here before I forget more details of how her business came to be.

When she added her own change and dollar to the cash envelope tonight, it hit me that she really has gotten the bigger picture of this. She is typically a child who saves every last dime and spends it on things she wants--it's not that she has a hard heart, she's just very focused on her own wants. So, if today's potholder is the only one she sells, I'm great with this. Seeing her give of her own money and knowing how huge that is for her, has put a smile in my heart.

Hope's Art

One of the things I struggle with as a mom is the desire for my girls to be the best at everything they do. This is hard for an over-achiever like me--I want them to be at the top of everything in which they are involved. I have been slowly giving this up--esp. over the past year.

Hope is an extremely well-rounded child. She truly is good at almost everything she does, but she has developed a fear of trying something new because she might not be the best at it. This, of course, stems from the messages I have sent her over the past 8 years. I'm working at changing that. I truly am at a place where I would rather her enjoy what she is doing and only be okay at it than to be the best at something she doesn't really care about. I know, as a mom, this is what I SHOULD do, but it's not always reality for most of us. I can now say it is my reality.

It's been freeing. I no longer compare her to the girls she plays soccer with or the LEAP kids at school or even her friends' kindness. I've learned to accept her talents and gifts and rejoice in the things she enjoys.

Art is one of those things. As her mom, I think she is incredibly talented in it, but more than that, she LOVES it. So, it was so rewarding to her a few weeks ago when her artwork was chosen to be displayed in a district-wide art show. It was so fun to see the joy she had on her face and the way she was trying to be humble about it ("Mom, I didn't even think that piece was very good, but Ms. Griffen did.")It was fun to celebrate with her and wait in the 30 minute line to get in to see her work, as well as have a fun dinner and get a new shirt.

What I hope she will remember from this is not the fact that her work was chosen to be one of the best, but that she enjoyed putting the detail into the project and did her best work. And that her family celebrated her.