Give Me ALL the Books

I was looking at my Goodreads account the other day and realized I only read a few books in 2019.  The tragedy!  I know not everyone loves to read (believe me--I live with 3 of them and constantly wonder where I went wrong in parenting to not pass this love on to at least ONE of my girls), but for me, reading is life-giving. 

I realized my love of books in 3rd grade.  The school library was closed and I was in tears.  Mrs. Moore, my teacher, let me borrow a few of her personal books.  The summer after, my parents "paid" me in books to watch my sister while they were at work AND I gave me a subscription to Weekly Reader.  Did anyone else subscribe to this?  When those 2 books came every month, I would read them over and over!!!  There was no Amazon prime back in the day

In 4th grade, Mrs. Puckett took it a step further and gave me free reign of the treasures in the little bookcase behind her desk.  With the exception of "The Borrowers" (fitting, huh?) I don't remember the titles of any I read--just that I think I read them all.  If Mrs. Puckett thought they were good enough to spend her money on, then I just KNEW they were worth the time to read!

A few years ago, Brian and I were having a conversation (okay--it was an argument, but does that really matter?).  In the course of it, I was defending my love of reading as not just being a "lazy sport" like I thought my family believed it to be.  As a kid, we didn't have much money or take many vacations.  Books were my trips.  I was (and still am) an awkward kid who meant well, but didn't make friends easily.  Books provided characters who didn't make fun of me when I cried for them or got angry on their behalf. 

This year, I want to read more--pretty fitting that it's 2020.  And maybe even branch out in what I read (my go-to is fiction that ties everything up in a pretty bow a the end).  My goal is to read 12 non-fiction and 24 fiction by the end of December.  That's only 3 a month--which should be easy if I keep the games off my phone and limit my facebook scrolling. 

So, what's on YOUR must-read/want-to-read/need-to-read/required-to-read list this year?  How do you keep track of what you've read?  Where do you get your book recommendations? 

And most importantly, what have you read that I need to read this year?

Find Your Tribe...Love Them Hard

This year I have struggled with my word for the year.  I had several that spoke to me and have spent the last month praying about them.  I just feel like I am on the edge of watching and be a part of something BIG God is doing and I want my word to represent that.

So, like in 2018, when THE word popped in my head, I tried to push it out.  (In 2018, it was "Consistent" and that felt soooo boring. It ended up being the word that inspired me the most out of all my words and that I saw God move through all year long.)  I kept going back to the other words I had put in my notes section of my phone.  I did another online quiz to tell me what it should be. I pretended that I was still praying and thinking about it.  I tried to rationalize why it was not a good one...

• It was too inward-focused and I want to be outward focused this year.  
• It has been over-used.  It was "cutting-edge" several years ago, but now it's just old hat and not original.
• It wasn't God-focused.

Then, we went shopping today.  I have been looking for a shirt that was a size smaller than I currently wear to be my inspiration to continue on my eating plan (I've lost over 30 lbs since September but still have 24 more to go).  It didn't take long and I found one I loved and wouldn't you know, it had the word I had been trying to ignore on the back of it.  And then, I found super cute shoes to match it and they were on sale for $10.  Did I mention the shirt was also on sale?  UGH!  I guess there's no more ignoring the word.

For 2020, my word will be TRIBE.

I found this sign last spring--I even took a pic with my dear friends with it--but left the store without buying it.  Two days later, I drove 45 minutes back to the store to buy it because I couldn't quit thinking about it.

For me, tribe is a word to describe my peeps--the people I love and who love me.  I have a tendency to spread myself thin and not be "all-in" with the people who matter most because I'm trying to do and be more for people who honestly, just don't matter as much to me.  I ask my girls to shhhh so I can hear a tv show (that could easily be paused).  I fail to grab lunch with friends I love because it takes effort and I want to be lazy or the opposite--tell myself I should be working instead of hanging out.

Tribe is people--the ones who matter.  The ones who don't sugarcoat the truth for me and who don't care if I wear make-up or have an annoying laugh.  The ones I KNOW have my back when push comes to shove.  The ones who challenge and encourage me and send a text at just the right time.  The ones I can do the same for without feeling awkward.

And to be completely authentic here, I don't think my tribe is complete.  I believe it needs to widen a bit and that makes me a little tired.  Tribes take time and energy and I'm getting old, y'all!

Brian asked me what having a word of the year does for me.  It keeps me on track.  It reminds me to open my eyes to what God is doing in and through and around me.  It focuses me on what matters most.

Here's my ask of YOU.  If you see the word tribe in a meme or on a written in a quote or expressed on a sign, would you send it to me?  You can message me, email me or better yet--text it to me (random happy texts make my day!).  This will help me keep it in the forefront of my mind and serve as a reminder to re-evaluate how I'm doing with my tribe.

In the Midst

For the first few years after we moved into our house, I sat in the backyard a lot.  If I was home, I was out there--kicking the soccer ball, chasing the chickens, playing with the dogs, reading a book and just enjoying a huge yard.  Over the years, the traffic behind my house has become non-stop and I stopped hanging out in the backyard for anything more than a quick trip to feed the chickens or call the dogs inside.

Call me redneck, but sitting with the chickens used to bring a peacefulness to my spirit like nothing else.  I felt settled and content and happy and rested.  But it's been several years since I've done that.

Yesterday morning, I went out to feed the chickens and check for eggs.   After I had filled up their food dish and sprinkled their scratch around the coop, I looked up and spied a beautiful sky.  I immediately tried to get a picture that included the chickens and the sky and found myself frustrated.  First of all, there was a metal storage building across the street that I couldn't get out of my view.  And the cars and trucks wouldn't stop passing through.  And the lighting just didn't compare to what I saw with my eyes vs. what I saw through the lens.  I finally just snapped it and sighed from disappointment.

And then I had a thought...

Maybe rest and soul work isn't always meant to be in a peaceful setting.  Maybe it's meant to be in spite of the hustle and bustle around me.  How often do I truly get time to get away and sit in quiet?  Doing that takes a lot of time and planning.

Maybe I need to create a quite space in the midst of the busyness around me.  In the midst of the traffic that won't stop.  In the midst of things in my sight that I wish weren't.  In the midst of things being less than they once were,

Maybe true rest is more about the state of my insides.  Maybe it comes in spite of the circumstances around me.

Little Things

Today, we dedicated 13 kiddos at church. One was barely a month old (and SO very tiny).  Others were wiggly toddlers.  And a few were a little older and star-struck by being on stage. 

If you know me, you also know that I do not like being on a stage.  I prefer to be in the back of the room or even in the middle.  There are a few things that make the stage so very worth it for me and dedicating babies is one of them. 

Never, in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would be back doing this again.  Getting to be a part of watching parents acknowledge that their kiddos are not their own and watching a church agree to partner to help raise them to know and love Jesus just makes me weepy.

My campus pastor said it well when he reminded our parents today to not forget the little things because those are the big things.  Things like baby dedication are small in the big scheme of what I do.  We dedicate kids a couple of times a year and typically have a couple dozen participating.  Compared to a regular Sunday morning, where we see hundreds of kiddos it can seem small. 

But it's not. 

As I was filling out certificates and writing in Bibles this weekend, I spent time praying for each of these kids.  That they would love Jesus while they are still young and grasp just how much he loves them. 

I prayed for their parents--that they would be surrounded by people who would encourage them and love them when they feel like they've failed.  People who would stand up and remind them that this parenting thing IS bigger than them and they can't do it alone.  People who would tell them over and over again that Jesus loves them as much as He loves their kids. 

I very distinctly remember the day we dedicated each of my girls.  I don't remember much about the kid pastors who facilitated it.  Or the class that we took.  Or even how many other parents were on stage with us.  But I DO remember the moment of publicly acknowledging that God gave us this daughter and wanting desperately for others to pour into her (and me). 

Maybe part of my weepy-ness is because school ended last Thursday and I now have a senior.  I've been telling her I was not going to be that emotional parent posting each week about how much I was gonna miss her.  But stinkin baby dedication this morning reminded me that the days are long, but the years are short. 

And gave me one more prayer for the parents who dedicated their babies today...that when their kiddo is a senior, they would look back without regret on the way they led them and loved them and pointed them to Jesus. 

I'm a Little Hoarse

Every now and then a thought will cross my mind and I will think, "you should write about that."  But I haven't.  I knew it had been a while, but didn't realize that 2019 was completely blank so far. 

My voice has changed since I started this blog.  In the beginning, it was a little squeaky.  Then it got really loud and confident--sometimes with a bit of a Texas twang in it.  Over the last few years, it's gotten a bit softer.  Part of that is probably because blogging isn't "THE" thing to do anymore.  Another reason is I'm learning I can only share my story and not others' (aka my family)--and I'm seriously the most boring in the Royal house. 

I think the biggest reason is I'm a little bit hoarse.  Back in my high school cheerleader days, I would yell so loudly on Friday, that my voice wound up raspy until Monday.  I kinda feel that way now.  I'm using my voice in other places and my voice is tired when I get home.  And like cheering at a high school football game, my voice is hoarse for good and fun reasons. 

I used to think I would write a book.  Not sure that will happen anymore, but I DO know that I will continue to blog.  My voice might not sound as polished as it once did (ok--who am I kidding--I've never been polished).  It might not ever be as loud as it once once. 

But here's something I've learned.  I don't have to be the loudest or most polished voice in the room to be heard.  I have to speak from my heart and be real.

So that's what I will continue to do. 

Reflections on 2018

What a year!  I've probably said that at some point during the last week of every year.  Sometimes in joy, sometimes in relief that it's almost over.  But, as someone who likes a good do-over, always in anticipation of what's to come.

This has been a bittersweet one for me.  The older I get, the more I use that word--bittersweet.  There just isn't a lot of black and white.  And while it's been one of the most inconsistent blogging years for me, I have had more thoughts than I could find words for.  It's also been a surprising one for me.  As I scroll through my camera roll, there are many more good things than I would have thought based on how my year started.

As you probably know, I had to say goodbye to my dad at the beginning of January. I've had a full year of "firsts" without him.  What I've realized is that the actual day--Father's Day, his birthday (which also fell on Thanksgiving),  Christmas--weren't as bad as I was dreading them to be.  It has actually been the other random days like my daughter's bday when he didn't post on facebook or my niece's graduation where I kept feeling like someone was missing and caught myself looking for him in the crowds--that have been the hard ones.

With his death, I worried it would be a miserable year full of grieving and sadness.  And those emotions have definitely been present more than in years past.  And honestly, it's been one of the hardest parenting years for me.  There are SO MANY things our kids have to deal with today that we didn't have at their age.  When your kids turn into teens, you can't post about the things you struggle with like you could when they were little, so it feels lonely.  One of the biggest surprises for me was hearing so many friends' stories about their own parenting struggles--people I would have never suspected had anything but happy, content kids based on what I see on the outside. It's been reassuring to know there are others navigating the best they can and just praying our kids don't end up in therapy for too long (I've already accepted the fact that mine will sit in an office and tell stories of things their crazy mom said and did that scarred them for life).

Despite the hard, there have been some sweet times too.  Here's a recap of a few of them:

I got to see my brother and his family more this year than I have since they moved to New York several years ago.  I love seeing the beautiful hearts my nieces have and getting to be able to share the joy of their new business venture--from a simple idea last December to a full-blown Mercantile with amazing artists and craftsman that opened up in November.

I spent my birthday picking strawberries at a local farm with a dear friend.  

Another dear friend's daughter was married and we got to take a little road trip to celebrate with her (and I got to see 2 of my favorite people in the world!).

Granny turned 100 and while there was no polka dancing at the party, she still managed to dance on her porch with our family and make sure she had the last word at her party (when you're 100, you pretty much can say whatever you want!).  

I took my first trip to upstate New York for Kalyssa's graduation and not only got to see her walk the stage and be embarrassed by how loud we were, I got to experience cold weather in June--it was freezing outside at night (we barely freeze in December here in Texas).  This was a surprise trip for me that was a gift from my stepmom so it was extra special.

Willow continues to be a source of joy for our whole family.  She's rotten to the core, but her personality has been such a lifesaver for us and lightened the mood on many days.  Brian still calls her his favorite daughter and threatens to get 5 more like her.  I tell him "No way!" but secretly, I  hope we do.  

Tioga--Hope and Caroline's school district--opened up a brand new high school.  There's something so wonderful about a small town where the superintendent prays at the dedication and sits outside the door every day greeting the students that makes me sigh with contentment.  I love that the staff knows my kids and they are not just a number.

We went to the State Fair for the 1st time in forever and I ate myself sick--literally.  I *might* be too old to taste everything and my family did not enjoy the selfies I insisted on taking with all the food (but my dad would have loved it!)

Caroline is now a freshman and we no longer have to deal with middle school--WAHOOO!!! (Plus she made a really cute costume for herself for Halloween!)

Hope got her license and first car!!  This has been a game changer for me as she is now the designated school driver and I don't have to make the trek every day.

I got to work for Lovepacs for a portion of the year and while I always knew the community leaders were amazing, I got to see them in action behind the scenes and was so stinkin proud to call them my friends. Y'all!  Almost every one of them has a full time job and yet they manage to mobilize their communities to feed thousands of students!

 Getting to meet Bob Goff at our staff Christmas party was a huge highlight--my cheeks hurt from smiling so much at the end of that day.

I set a goal to find and record 2018 things to be thankful for in 2018 and I did it!!!  I finished my last one tonight!   I tried this in 2017 and fell short--I had a pretty journal I had bought and had high hopes.  This last year, I used a little notebook that was given to me that didn't even have enough pages in it, so it has several extra pages folded up in the back with the last few hundred things listed.  I can't wait to do this again in 2019!

One of the things that has brought me the most joy this year has been one I don't even think I've posted about.  After an 18 month break from kids ministry, I started serving as a small group leader at my church this past spring for 1st -3rd graders and then moved over to our 4th-5th grade room.  I can't adequately explain how much we love Cross Timbers--we've been there for over 2 years now and I keep waiting for the newness to wear off, but it hasn't yet.  In the midst of serving, God brought something back to life inside me that I truly thought was gone AND He made a way for me to go on staff at Cross Timbers!!!  I've been in my role since Nov. 1st and absolutely love it!  I got to work with some of the very best kids min leaders at Bent Tree so I was a bit worried that I would be disappointed by any others.  It's different, but oh, so good!  Getting to build teams again just makes my heart sing!  This has been one of those "Could God REALLY be this good moments for me this year.

In the midst of grief and depression and struggles, God made something beautiful.  It has been one of the hardest years, but also one of the best. I'm looking forward to diving into 2019 and being a part of where He is at work.

And if Not, Is He Still Good?

We see the posts on facebook and hear them all the time when good things happen; "God is good!"  And yes, when things go well, it feels like His face is shining down on us.

But what does it mean when things DON'T go the way we want them?  When we lose the game or the the girl or the job?  Or get the diagnosis we prayed against?  Do we believe He is still good?

I know we say we do.

But none of us really want to find out if we would believe that because we don't want to face the hard stuff.

But it DOES come, and when it does, do we take it as a sign that God has forgotten us?  Or that He is punishing us?

Or do we STILL believe that He is good, even if...?