Life Goes On

My dad is dying of cancer. 

We brought him home from the hospital on Christmas Eve and brought in hospice for his final days.

It stucks. 

Until recently, I didn't tell very many people that he was sick.  We found out last year that Dad had prostate cancer and by the time they caught it, it had already invaded his spine.  Dad insisted he could beat it and could have 5 good years. 

And I believed him. 

My dad is the luckiest person I know and if anyone could kick cancer's booty, it was him.  Have I mentioned he's only 64 and is in great shape--or rather--he was in great shape up until a few months ago?  And that medicines and shots and treatments that were thousands of dollars were given to him for free?  If he set his mind to something, it just always happened.

But that isn't the case this time.  Less than 2 weeks ago, I had to face the fact that he is not going to beat this.  His PSA is over 1000 and the ugly, evil tumors are literally popping up all over his body.

Luckily, the office for one of my jobs was closed for the week and I was able to take off on the only day I was scheduled to work at my other job, so I was able to spend most of my time at my dads.  In fact, my girls had to wait until the day after Christmas to celebrate because I wasn't home (and even then, a few of their presents weren't wrapped and I handed them to them in the bags I brought them home from the store in).  Between all my family, the house was full and I liked sleeping on the couch, knowing I was close to my dad if he or my stepmom needed me.

But then this week rolled around and I had to go back to work.  I walked in on Monday and literally thought I was going to lose it.  I felt incredibly guilty that I was there and not with my dad.  And I resented the fact that my co-workers were laughing and joking and oblivious to the fact that my dad was laying at home in a hospital bed with maybe only hours to live.

But, life does go on. 

Even though part of me doesn't want it to. 

And through all of this, a thought that has circulated in my head is "I have failed so many friends who have gone through losing their dads."  In fact, I didn't even attend the funerals of some because I just didn't think it would matter.   And even those I did attend, I don't think I empathized with them enough or offered them the support that so many have given me the past few weeks.  I didn't text them to tell them I was praying for them or pray for them afterward as often as I could have and should have.  So, Courtney and Stacey and Ali and Tonya and the many others I brushed past when you were in my shoes--I'm sorry.  I didn't realize the depth of what you were feeling.  And even if I had, I don't know that I still would have been able to say anything that would have changed your sadness. That will always be a regret I have.

Grieving sucks almost as much as cancer.  And  grieving someone who is still alive is excruciating.  I find myself wondering what Easter and Christmas and birthdays will be like without him.  And don't even get me started on Father's Day and even Mother's Day since he was both for so many years to me.  And while there is comfort in knowing he will be in heaven and able to eat any kind of pie he wants, it's still just so very hard.

But, life does and will go on.

The Gift of New Books

Some girls like jewelry and shoes.  Some like to eat out at trendy, new places.  For me, new books and blank journals make me giddy.

At the start of every new year, I love to sit down and figure out what books I want to read.  I know--it's a nerdy thing, but it truly gets me excited about the new year--which sometimes feels daunting to me.  Especially if the last year didn't end on the high note I wish it had.

One of my favorite things to do is to send someone a book after talking to them.  Again, I know it's a bit nerdy, but books can be so personal.  I never send the same one to everyone--each is specifically chosen for that person.  I have several favorites that I often rotate through, but that's just because they are sooo good that I want to share them.  Every one is one I've read and that made an impact on me.

Last night, I decided to start a wish list on Amazon of some of the books I hope to read this year.  I have a list I carry on my phone, but those are more the books I want to get on my kindle.  I like to read my more inspirational things in a physical book that I can write in and highlight.  I figured the wish list would be a good place to start in separating my lists so they weren't jumbled together. 

This morning I woke up to an Amazon gift card in my inbox from a friend who gets me.  And the card was enough to cover 2 books and leave me a quarter toward my next purchase!!  While I am sooo very excited about the new books, I'm equally as excited about the fact that my friend thought of me and picked out a gift specific to me.

Of course, being me, I went deeper with the simple act of kindness.  It reminded me that in this new year, people need to be noticed for who they are. Not who we want them to be or think they should be.  Giving a gift to someone based on what THEY enjoy makes them feel seen.  And in a world where we can hide behind screens so very easily, that is a felt need.

Who was the last person you talked to?  What type of gift do they need?  It might just be more time with you.  Or help with a small project--or even big project.  It might be more phone calls from you or a coffee date.  It could even just be a card in the mail instead of just a text.

Or, it might be a book.  You decide.