What I'm Learning

There's this hill by my house.  Well, it doesn't SEEM like a hill.  If you look at it, it just looks like a long, flat street--but it is SOOOOO not! 

A few years ago, when I was riding my daughter's bike (because I was too cheap to buy one of my own), I felt the burn when I was halfway down it.  You know the feeling--when you have to stand on the pedals, but your legs are so shaky you feel like you are gonna topple sideways?  Or maybe that's just me. 

ANYWAY, I could never figure out why it was so hard--it looked flat and surely I wasn't THAT out of shape (which I probably was, but telling ourselves little white lies every now and then is okay).  Then, one day, I mentioned it to someone else and they said that there was no way that street was flat--there was definitely an incline--you just couldn't see it because it was so gradual, but anyone who walked/rode on it definitely felt it. 

That's kinda how life is these days.  Now, don't get me wrong--there are several things that make that street harder to travel--like the wind in my face this morning and the podcast that stopped working yesterday and the zero dark thirty it looks like out there.  BUT, it's the getting up and going anyway.  Even when I know that I will have to do more than just walking a mile and a half to get rid of this overly excessive amount of weight my body seems to want to hold onto.  Even when I know it means I will have to juggle some other things and figure out what I won't have time for today.  Even when my legs feel like jelly from JUST WALKING!

And even when I look back and it doesn't seem like it should've been that hard for as little progress as I made.

What I feel like God is telling me is to continue to be faithful in the small things.  "Do the basics and don't stop.  Empty the dishwasher when you are tired.  Put that load of laundry in the washer before you go to work.  Answer that next phone call at work and follow through on what needs to be done.  Make the time to sit with ME--even though you think you need to plug in and work."

It's not glamorous.  It's not even fun most days.  And I certainly don't look back at the end of the day and see much progress (the sink is ALWAYS full of dishes, there is ALWAYS laundry that is waiting, the girls ALWAYS seem to want to eat lunch--go figure--I could go on and on, but you get it). Somedays it's only walking 1/2 a mile because that's all I can do in the moment. 

BUT, it's consistent.  It's putting one foot in front of the other when I'd rather just sit. 

And while I wish that one day I will look back on this time and see how God was preparing me in this season for something BIG and GLORIOUS, I'm not setting my hopes on that.  I'm trying to hear His voice in the little (emphasis on trying--I don't do that very well most days) and have it be enough.

Today, that means walking that hill and putting the blanket the dog peed on in the wash and making lunches and choosing to not open up work email so that I can sit and listen (and maybe even shaving my legs when I know I'm wearing pants to cover them up anyway--I know TMI--guess this is where I need to stop, before this gets really awkward). 

It also looks like writing this blog when I know the words are not necessarily life-changing or ah-ha moments for me or anyone reading them. 

But I do it because it's the next step in front of me and sometimes, that it enough.

The Gift of Giving Nothing

Yesterday was Brian's birthday.  The weeks leading up to it are stressful for me as I try to figure out what to buy or do for him.  When I ask him, the answer is always the same--"Don't buy me anything."

Now, when most people say that, they don't mean it, but when Brian says it, he means it.  Over the years, I've ignored it and tried to be creative with my gifts.  Last year, I was out of town for work on his bday, so I had his favorite bbq place in Tulsa send him their bbq sauces.  But, I'm not usually good with coming up with those kind of creative things.

This year, he allowed me to invite 3 of our favorite family friends over and we had a fish fry and sat around the fire pit.  So simple.  So relaxing.  So fun.  So US!

Even with that, I still felt myself feeling the need to come up with a present.

As I was out gathering twigs for a project (more about that later) and clearing my head--don'tcha just love how being out in nature does that for you?--I had an epiphany.  What if the best gift I could give is nothing.  What if I actually honored what he wanted and didn't do anything else?

What if we didn't make a big deal at the fish fry that it was a birthday celebration?  What if we didn't sing and make him blow out candles?  What if we didn't do a present?

Those little voices in my head that tell me what a loser I am started speaking up and telling me I HAD to do something or else I was a bad wife.  I had to have a surprise element of the night so that he would feel celebrated and loved.

And that's when I just STOPPED.  Brian would NOT feel celebrated and loved by being the center of attention and feeling the need to give a speech.  If I did that, it would be to make ME feel better.

How often do we do this in life?  We say we are doing something for another people, but we are really doing it to make ourselves look and feel good. We don't want to look like the loser wife who didn't  buy candles or a card.

But in doing stuff that makes us feel better, we dishonor those we love most?

So, while my love language is acts of service, it's not Brian's.  Love gets past our own hang-ups and expresses itself in the way others' feel celebrated--even if it would make us cringe.