Wednesday, April 11, 2018

It's the weird things that get me--usually they are small and insignificant. 

I worried that Easter would be hard.  Even though we didn't take any pics of the kids on the stairs like we did most years, I made it through without being incredibly sad all day.  For the first 2 months after my dad died, I would cry almost every Sunday at church during worship.  We sing a lot about death.  And dad's death just feels so final--even though I know it's not.  The thought that Jesus overcame that, and created a way for us to eventually do the same, overwhelms me and makes me experience Him in a totally new and different way. 

Yesterday was the 3 month anniversary of Dad's death.  I made it through the day with minimal tears.  And then I saw a pic on facebook that my Uncle Allen posted of him, my dad and my Uncle Terry. And I lost it.  I took that picture and was in denial that the end was so close as I was snapping it.  I knew my dad wasn't feeling well and even had to be the bad guy for him and tell some family he wasn't up to more people in the house. But, he still looked very alive in that picture and it made me miss him so very much.

And then this morning, I went to get a cup for my orange juice and his old Bugs Bunny cup was on the shelf staring at me.  My Grandma Mary gave it to me many years ago and it mostly just sits in the cabinet.  Today, it made me sob and smile at the same time.  I cried for me and my loss.  I smiled because the cup reminds me of both my dad and Grandma Mary and I know they are together again in heaven. Dad feels no more pain from tumors and Grandma can remember every little thing again.

I still can't seem to form the words to write a post to honor my dad.  It has come easy for me to do this for others, but this one escapes me.  Writing has always been how I process so, even though it's been 3 months, I know I have not processed through all I need to yet.  Maybe I never will.  But I DO hope the words will come eventually so that I can share the depth of love and emotion I have/had for my dad.

Until then, I will continue to be thankful for the tears because they mean that there are good memories there and things to miss.  They mean that my dad left a hole from all the good he did for me and others.  They mean that I realize what I had and didn't take it for granted.