Why I Write

In order to know why I write, I need to first let you know why I read.  Reading and writing go hand in hand .,, 

A few years ago, I was trying to encourage a friend who had to sell some of his hobby items.  I'm sure I said the wrong thing, probably tried to placate instead of just listen and empathize.  Out of nowhere, he criticized my love of reading by telling me I didn't understand what he was feeling because books were not a true hobby and kept me sedentary.  

I responded with a passion I didn't realize I had.  That offended me in a huge way.  For the first time, I put into words why I loved reading so much and it has stuck with me.  Books took me to places I knew I would never go physically.  Books created an escape from a pretty dreary childhood.  Books were friends for a highly emotional, nerdy, goody-two-shoes little girl.  Most of all, books reminded me that there was hope in the middle of circumstances that seemed hopeless.  

Most kids play "house" or "store" or "post office" when they are little.  I played library.  I put my desk in the corner of my bedroom and placed books all around it.  This was back in the day when there were cards in the book that you signed when you checked them out, so each book had a card in it.  I would coerce my brother and sister to come in and check out the books.  I think I even did a story time every now and then.  I wanted to be a librarian when I grew up so I could read all the books--whenever I wanted.

I'm going to date myself, but this was back in the day when kids were left alone at home while their parents worked.  I was only 9, but I babysat my sister and sometimes my brother.  We were not allowed to go outside while Dad and Mom were at work and we didn't have cable tv.  My parents paid me by buying me books.  I got a Weekly Reader subscription and every month, a couple of books would magically appear in my mailbox.  I would read them over and over again until the next month.  

We were not rich or even middle class.  We didn't take vacations. unless it was to drive to Missouri to see grandparents.  We didn't have a lot of toys.  We didn't even have a lot of books, but I loved the ones we did.  We had a set of classics that came with our Encyclopedias and at the age of 10, I started reading Gone WIth The Wind and Rebecca and continued to read them at least once a year.  

In third grade, the school library closed a couple of weeks before school was out for summer.  I was devastated.  My teacher found me crying in the hallway and offered to let me borrow the books behind her desk.  Do you remember those books your teacher had?  They were her private stash and she would choose one to read aloud to the class after lunch.  We would put our heads down on our desk and just listen to what Ramona and Beezus and Laura Ingalls Wilder were up to now.  

Anyway, that third grade teacher made my year!  I probably read 4-5 books in that few weeks until summer arrived.  The only one I remember is "The Borrowers," but I remember the feeling so special, being allowed to not only read those books, but that I was trusted to take them home.  My 4th grade teacher followed her lead and allowed me to do the same--she had "The Secret of Nihm" and "Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nihm" and many others I can't remember.  I'm not sure why we didn't go to the public library, but other than the weekly reader books, I didn't have any new ones in the summer, so I gobbled up as many as I could during the school year.  

Almost as long as I wanted to be a librarian, I wanted to write a book.  I wanted to put something on paper that would make people feel, to give them an escape from the mundane life they were living.  As I got older, I wanted it to be something that would change someone's life.  I don't know that I ever knew what kind of book I wanted to write until a few years ago.  

I decided back in 2016 I would write "#Asking for a Friend."  It would be a collection of short devotional-type stories.  Between each chapter would be a page of my "askingforafriend posts.  Then, Jen Hatmaker came out with a book that basically did the same thing and she could say things so much more eloquently than me.  And I couldn't purchase the domain "askingforafriend" because it was already taken, so I didn't pursue it.  

When I moved to the farm last year, I thought, "Now is the time!"  I had lots of material about seasons of life from watching Gran and seeing the flowers and trees and sunsets.  So I wrote a few things in the cracks of taking care of Granny.  I was invited by a sweet friend to a writer's group that met over zoom and I jumped at the chance.  I started putting things together, but felt like everything I wrote had been written before.  I mean, think about it, how much is out there on the seasons of life and comparing planting and harvesting to our daily lives?  

So I stopped pursing it again.  "One day, I will write a book" became something I said whenever someone asked me what I thought I would do after Granny died.  

I never wanted to write children's books.  I don't even know the popular books anymore.  My girls never liked to read, so I didn't keep up with all the latest trends in kids books.  We just read "Go, Dog, Go" and "where the Wild Things Are" over and over.

But the words just flowed.  I looked at our animals and realized each had a challenge they faced that was almost identical to what kids were facing today. 

So I typed them up.  And shared them with my writer's group for critiques.  And they were well-received so I started trying to figure out how to finally follow through on this idea to publish a children's book series.  

I was hoping for doors to open quickly--to be the anomaly, but it's slow going.  Everyone knows a publisher, but it hasn't panned out for me yet.  I have an illustrator, but when I finally figured out the details of what the pics needed to be (who knew there were SO MANY rules on size and color, etc), she started back to work and school and is incredibly busy right now.  

I've kinda lost my momentum, but I will continue to pursue getting them published, because I think parents and kids need to hear them.  My hope for these books is two-fold:

1). Give kids words to put with their feelings and help them realize there is no shame in those feelings by allowing them to see them through the eyes of an animal they love

2).  Give parents an opportunity to discuss the hard stuff with their kids.  The stuff that doesn't always come up in conversations.  To equip them with tools to speak their kiddos' language.  

I don't know when or even if the books will be published.  I have 3 written so far with themes of anxiety, bullying and ADHD.  I have @10 more ideas for others that are percolating in my head.  I get discouraged and fearful a lot.  I can tell myself all the things to keep me from following through on getting them out to the public.  It may be decades before they are published and it may end up being self-publishing.  Most days, I'd like someone to come along and do all the hard work for me...

But in the meantime, I continue to write...

Blooming with Crunchy Brown Leaves

We have at least 50 zinnias in our flowerbed by the driveway.  I have loved watching all the different colors pop up from the ground  randomly and I'm kicking myself for not getting a picture when they were all in full bloom.  

The last few weeks, I've noticed the blooms losing their petals, the colors fading from vibrant to gray, and the leaves turning into a crunchy brown.  They are starting to look a little ragged, to put it mildly.

What's weird to me is that many are brown at the bottom, but the tops are green and still blooming.  When I first saw the sea of brown, I assumed they were all dying and would be gone pretty quickly.  It's been several weeks now, and they are still growing--despite their unsightly bottoms.  

Living here on the farm has made Jesus' way of talking in parables so much more real to me.  I've also read so many authors who have used flowers and planting and blooming as analogies for the Christian life.   I've debated about writing this bc, it's just one more parable type post and my thoughts are not new ones. You've probably read the same thing from someone else at some point.  

But I just can't let it go.  

I am drawn to those zinnias every time I'm outside in the yard.  Most of them are growing despite the brown--esp the ones where there are two or more blooms.  Once I trim the dead blooms, other stems appear with new buds ready to open.  

But those dang crunchy bottoms take away from the beauty with their withered-ness! 

A lot like us.

We can still look great on top even though we have some mess down below.  We can even think we are hiding the mess by all the blooming we are doing.  And the blooms truly are real.

But that brown just spoils the overall beauty of us.  

And then there are the zinnias like this one.  Something got in its way and it grew sideways for a while.  BUT IT NEVER STOPPED GROWING and now is reaching for the sun once again.  There is so much in this world right now that could stunt our growth, but we have the choice to either let it stop us or to grow through it until it moves and we can see the sun again. 

And I find it interesting that the flowers with more than one bloom are doing better than the ones who are spending all their energy into just themselves.  Those stems are working together and taking turns blooming--some even at the same time. They are uniting themselves for the beauty of the whole flower.  

There's so much going on that can cause us to lose hope and to quit or even start working against the other blooms on our same stem.  And here's the thing...I don't think it's the big decisions that matter as much as the little ones.  The ones where we choose to read that devotional today.  Or text that friend.  Or respond with grace when someone is unkind.  Or even ignore the opinionated post and choose to walk away without typing back a rebuttal.

I don't know about you, but I do not want to end up with my roots having to be pulled out because there's no life left in me.  I want to continue to press on--even if it means I have a few extra curves. I don't want to wither or even let the hard things overtake my bloom.  

I want to reach high and be a vibrant and fully alive zinnia. How about you?