If I had a Million Dollars

If I had a million dollars...

I'd hire a personal chef.
Who is also a nutritionist and makes calorie-free yet yummy food.
And loves to grocery shop.

And of course, I would feed all the hungry kids in the world and make sure they all had clean water.

Lucky Number 13

A year ago today, Brian was in the hospital (this pic was taken only hours before that hospital stay).

The reality of losing him totally rocked my world. It stopped me in my tracks of holier-than-thou-ness and made me truly appreciate what a gem I've been been given. This past year has been the best in our marriage so far--probably the best year together since we met 16 years ago this week.

Today, we celebrate our 13th anniversary. Thirteen years since I walked down the aisle and promised to love him in sickness and health and for richer or poorer (although, we both giggled at the richer part).  Thirteen years since we decided to put someone else's needs and wants before our own.  Thirteen years. Not long to some, but it feels like a lifetime to me.

I have a hard time remembering life before Brian and yet, I had 25 years without him. Twenty five years to never know his kisses.  Twenty five years that I missed out on watching him ooze grace on all those around him.  Twenty five years to never know what it was like to share a bathroom with him.  Twenty five years in which I knew I was missing something but didn't know what.

This post has been sappier than most--even for me--but it needs to be said. When I am gone from this world, I pray my family sees this post. I'm not good at showing love. I'm good at writing it, but my actions are not always consistent with how I feel. I pray they will see this and know that even when I didn't show it, I was utterly overwhelmed at the goodness God bestowed on me by giving me Brian.

May lucky number 13 be our best year yet!

One of the 99

This week, my Bible study has been in Luke 15. Lots of parables there. And I love the stories of Jesus pursuing the one lost sheep and running to meet the estranged, prodigal son--as long as I see myself as that sheep or son.

But most of the time I don't. I see myself as one of those 99 sheep left alone or the older brother working while party preparations were being made for his disrespectful little brother.

I'm steady and faithful. Not exciting. Not overly fun. Not really rebellious (even though I don't always follow the rules). I'm the person you ask to remind you to do something. I'm the one who offers to feed your dogs when you are out of town.

And lots of times, I feel like I am one in the middle of many. One that God does not need to worry about so I'm lost in the midst of the ones we do need to be concerned about. Insignificant. Small. Forgotten.

I have so much of the big brother in me that its scary. Can you imagine what was going through his mind?  His little brother runs off--leaving him with more work and probably putting the family in financial stress since his dad gave him his part of all he had. Then, after busting his tail in the field all day, he comes home and finds out that his father has given his punk-brother a robe and ring and instead of working, everyone has stopped to prepare for a party. For the least deserving person. The person who could care less about all that he--the big brother--had struggled to keep from losing the whole time his brother was partying.

I want a story like that lost sheep and little brother without going through getting lost/hitting rock
bottom. I want to be so grateful for what God has brought me through without having to go through
anything hard.  I want to feel as loved as that sheep and little brother did. I want to not be angry or disappointed for feeling jealous.

But then, maybe in that cynicism and guilt, I AM the one, the little brother.

Let me see Redemption Win

This morning I woke up tired.  Worn.  And I was debating whether or not to post this song on facebook:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

I was worried that it would seem like a plea for sympathy, but I also wondered how many others felt the same way this morning.  This song just leads me back to my knees--maybe it would do that for others, too and encourage them in this day to day living we do.

And then, I saw this post on our Lovepacs page:

Lovepacs Summer Loving - Lovepacs is so excited to be serving kids through Summer this year. Partnering with the schools' free lunch program, Lovepacs will provide Weekend Bags for children to carry home on Fridays to provide breakfast, lunch, and a snack for Saturday and Sunday. We need your help to make it happen!
$5 will feed one child for the weekend
$60 will feed one child all summer
Checks made out to Lovepacs may be mailed to 6405 Stewart Blvd, The Colony, TX. Donations may also be made through Paypal at donations@lovepacs.org

The words from the song, “Let me see redemption win” came to life in me.  And the tired feelings are still there, but the joy of being a part of something bigger than me overwhelms the worn.