Lucky Number 13

A year ago today, Brian was in the hospital (this pic was taken only hours before that hospital stay).

The reality of losing him totally rocked my world. It stopped me in my tracks of holier-than-thou-ness and made me truly appreciate what a gem I've been been given. This past year has been the best in our marriage so far--probably the best year together since we met 16 years ago this week.

Today, we celebrate our 13th anniversary. Thirteen years since I walked down the aisle and promised to love him in sickness and health and for richer or poorer (although, we both giggled at the richer part).  Thirteen years since we decided to put someone else's needs and wants before our own.  Thirteen years. Not long to some, but it feels like a lifetime to me.

I have a hard time remembering life before Brian and yet, I had 25 years without him. Twenty five years to never know his kisses.  Twenty five years that I missed out on watching him ooze grace on all those around him.  Twenty five years to never know what it was like to share a bathroom with him.  Twenty five years in which I knew I was missing something but didn't know what.

This post has been sappier than most--even for me--but it needs to be said. When I am gone from this world, I pray my family sees this post. I'm not good at showing love. I'm good at writing it, but my actions are not always consistent with how I feel. I pray they will see this and know that even when I didn't show it, I was utterly overwhelmed at the goodness God bestowed on me by giving me Brian.

May lucky number 13 be our best year yet!

One of the 99

This week, my Bible study has been in Luke 15. Lots of parables there. And I love the stories of Jesus pursuing the one lost sheep and running to meet the estranged, prodigal son--as long as I see myself as that sheep or son.

But most of the time I don't. I see myself as one of those 99 sheep left alone or the older brother working while party preparations were being made for his disrespectful little brother.

I'm steady and faithful. Not exciting. Not overly fun. Not really rebellious (even though I don't always follow the rules). I'm the person you ask to remind you to do something. I'm the one who offers to feed your dogs when you are out of town.

And lots of times, I feel like I am one in the middle of many. One that God does not need to worry about so I'm lost in the midst of the ones we do need to be concerned about. Insignificant. Small. Forgotten.

I have so much of the big brother in me that its scary. Can you imagine what was going through his mind?  His little brother runs off--leaving him with more work and probably putting the family in financial stress since his dad gave him his part of all he had. Then, after busting his tail in the field all day, he comes home and finds out that his father has given his punk-brother a robe and ring and instead of working, everyone has stopped to prepare for a party. For the least deserving person. The person who could care less about all that he--the big brother--had struggled to keep from losing the whole time his brother was partying.

I want a story like that lost sheep and little brother without going through getting lost/hitting rock
bottom. I want to be so grateful for what God has brought me through without having to go through
anything hard.  I want to feel as loved as that sheep and little brother did. I want to not be angry or disappointed for feeling jealous.

But then, maybe in that cynicism and guilt, I AM the one, the little brother.

Let me see Redemption Win

This morning I woke up tired.  Worn.  And I was debating whether or not to post this song on facebook:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

I was worried that it would seem like a plea for sympathy, but I also wondered how many others felt the same way this morning.  This song just leads me back to my knees--maybe it would do that for others, too and encourage them in this day to day living we do.

And then, I saw this post on our Lovepacs page:

Lovepacs Summer Loving - Lovepacs is so excited to be serving kids through Summer this year. Partnering with the schools' free lunch program, Lovepacs will provide Weekend Bags for children to carry home on Fridays to provide breakfast, lunch, and a snack for Saturday and Sunday. We need your help to make it happen!
$5 will feed one child for the weekend
$60 will feed one child all summer
Checks made out to Lovepacs may be mailed to 6405 Stewart Blvd, The Colony, TX. Donations may also be made through Paypal at donations@lovepacs.org

The words from the song, “Let me see redemption win” came to life in me.  And the tired feelings are still there, but the joy of being a part of something bigger than me overwhelms the worn. 

Dear Stupid Terrorist

Dear stupid terrorist,

This will be my one and only acknowledgement of you.

You probably think that you got away with something yesterday--that you sent the world into chaos. But you didn't. What your act of terrorism did, is to unite a people--to allow our nation to rise above their circumstance and truly help others.

Over and over, I keep hearing and seeing the words Mr. Rogers gave us--that in every bad situation, we should look for the heroes.  And we are.  And they are definitely present.  And we will continue to do this instead of focus on the destruction.  And we will see many whose acts of courage will far outshine and get more media coverage than your selfish little act will.

That's what Americans do.  Tragedies like this serve to help us forget our petty politics and band together.  They serve to remind us of how strong we are as a nation.  They remind us of how much we hate the evil in the world and will battle against it. 

So, just like Satan in the garden of Eden, you may be thinking you won--that evil prevailed.  But, we know that this IS NOT the end of the story.

Because at the end of the story, God WILL win the war and good will triumph over evil. 

The Grace and Mercy of the Father Displayed in a Husband

Husbands are a lot of things.

Most people don't think of grace and mercy when they think of their husbands, but I do. I'm good at law. If I'd have been alive in Jesus' day, I probably would have been a Pharisee.

But not my husband.

He would have never been with the men trying to stone the adulteress. He wouldn't have stoned Stephen. He wouldn't have beat the Jewish slaves to get them to make bricks faster.

He is the epitamy of grace. He shows mercy more than any other human I know. He's not a sissy and doesn't get walked on--which is what I typically think when I envision a grace-filled person.

He treats people as equals--even when society tells them they are not. Seeing him do this with a mechanic who spoke very little English a few weeks ago gave me chills. Not only did he treat him fairly, he shook his hand and looked him in the eye. He treated him with respect.

He does it to our children. While I threaten and always have a consequence ready, he asks and jokes and they do whatever they were asked while laughing (most of the time--they ARE kids).

He did it to me just today. Instead of yelling or getting angry over the fact that he had to drive down to Dallas to get my broken-down car (which looks like it was because of something I did) he just did it and joked with the girls about farts on the way home.  I would have made sure he knew how inconvenienced I was. I would have made him feel stupid.

But he never does that. Not with me. Not with our kids. And not with strangers.

He models grace and mercy. And through him, I get a glimpse of what a loving and good and kind Heavenly Father I have.

I Cried.

I cried today. Twice.

The first time, I was sitting in church and we were singing about how much He loves us--my favorite line used to be "if grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."  But today the line "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves me" moved me.

I'm good with regrets. Hindsight is 20/20 and I tend to live in the past and wallow in what I should have done better. So, even though I've heard those words many times before, they hit me today in light of our new house and what feels like a fresh start.

The 2nd time I cried was when we were at our new house and the girl next door came outside and we found out she was the exact same age as my Hope. I've been praying specifically for God to provide friends for both my girls, but with Hope starting middle school, I've been a bit worried about her. To see how excited she was and watch them chit-chat, brought tears to my eyes--which then made my mother-in-law tear up too (and made my husband laugh at me).  That God would care enough about my family to not only provide a friend, but to give us one right next door is amazing and I find myself crying again as I write this.

There were also 2 little girls from down the street who Caroline played with. They were younger but so sweet and happy that I couldn't help but smile in their presence. She went down the street to play in their yard for a while and I had no fear about letting her go. Words can't describe how I felt about being able to do that.

So, even with the nasty-smelling carpets and junk in the yard, Fairview Farms is already home. I know there will be challenges and the kids we met today may all turn out to be mean or weird, but, for tonight, I'm basking in the goodness of the way He loves me.

And looking at this picture of our house makes me giddy with delight in that!

Savor

Tonight is one of those nights I don't want to forget. 

One of those nights when the goodness of God is so huge and obvious to me.

One of those nights that I want to savor every second of, so that I remember it in darker times and it strengthens my faith.

One of those nights that I see pieces of His puzzle come together--even though the whole picture isn't done, I see a corner coming to completion.

I've seen him take selfish desires of mine and not only grant them, but purify my requests in the process. 

I've seen him answer prayers that I was scared to pray--just in case He said "No."

I've seen him draw people to Him in spite of the me getting in the way.

And I'm just gonna sit here and dwell in it for a while because it's good.

And I'm grateful.