Fear

Outwardly, Hope appears to be a child who fears nothing. She does not back down from bullies and is the first to defend if she feels someone is being wronged. Several years ago, she and Caroline were at the play area in the mall. Caroline was not quite 2 yet, so her walking skills were wobbly at times and a boy who was probably 2 times Hope's size accidentally knocked Caroline down. Hope immediately got in front of him, looked up into his face and told him that he had hurt her sister and not to do it again. I think she truly scared him! We explained (behind hidden smiles) that bullying wasn't okay in our house, but we were also proud of her lack of fear and protectiveness of her sister.

When it comes to other things, Hope is terrified. A few weeks ago, she had some physical issues and needed to swallow a pill. You would have thought we were trying to get her to swallow a watermelon whole--she was crying and shaking so badly! After almost an hour of convincing her that swallowing a pill was only going t o help her, she finally did and saw immediate results.

The same fear debilitated her last night. Her tummy was upset and she was scared to throw up--even though her throat hurt and she felt like she needed to. She refused to do any of the things that we suggested to help her. She was convinced she was hot--even though her body was visibly shaking and teeth were chattering from being cold. We were finally able to lure her out of the bathroom and into the living room where we watched a show about extreme waterparks (to which she kept saying, "Why do people want to do that kind of scary stuff?"). After about 30 minutes of calming down, we convinced her to go to bed, but even that was a challenge and I found myself sleeping next to her for the rest of the night.

What kept going through my mind as I was watching her last night, was that this was a visible picture of me and God. In my head, I believe that God is good and that He knows what is best for me, but I refuse to follow his instruction many times because I am terrified. I kept asking Hope, "What is making you scared? Don't you believe that Mommy and Daddy want whats best and wouldn't ask you to do anything that would hurt you?"

As I was laying in a twin bed next to a restless almost-8 year old, my mind kept replayng that comment but in a different way. "Dear child, what are you so afraid of? Do you not know that I want what is best for you and wouldn't ask you to do anything that would hurt you?" What if, it turned out for me that God failed and I could no longer depend on Him? Silly thought, I know, but I think that's the root of my fear. As a mom, I can't see in the future to know for sure that my remedy will be the best one, but God does see and know the next thing ahead for me. Again, I know my rationing makes no sense to those on the outside looking at me, but I totally believe the lie.

So, my choices are to stand here shivering, convincing myself of untruths, or trust Him to take me on the next step of the journey. He knows me better than I know myself and understands my trust issues. I think He meets me where I am and asks me to just trust Him for one step--He knows I can't comprehend trusting Him for the entire journey yet. I want to. In my head, I KNOW that He is faithful and wants only good for me. Just like Hope knows that her parents love her and want her to be healthy and happy. But, I still find myself standing with teeth chattering, paralyzed in my anxiety.

The decision is mine.

Lord, I ask that you would give me the courage to trust You. That I would be willing to get out of my cold bathroom and under the warm covers to snuggle with You.