Saturday, October 1, 2016

Dear Airlines...

Dear Airline,

I recently had an interesting flight.  So interesting, that I thought up all kids of ground-breaking ideas I wanted to share with you. I've bullet-pointed them for your reading pleasure:

  • Why do you load the plane from the front and make everybody walking down the skinny aisle bump into those sitting?  I realize the 1st class people want to get on first (why they want to sit in seats with stale air instead of standing outside until the last minute, I do not know), but what if you moved your door to the back of the plane--or better yet--why cant the emergency exit doors be the entrance?  Then you could split people up and have the plane boarded faster (this would also save the passengers from all trying to put their huge carry-on in the first overhead compartment they pass. 
  • Another thought on loading--have you ever thought about loading the window seat people first, then middle seat, then the aisle?  You know we're not the smartest people and I watched a lady in front of me on an aisle seat, sit down and buckle her seatbelt--even though the seats next to her were empty.  Then the middle seat person arrived and she unbuckled, but as soon as she sat back down, both she and the middler buckled their belts (and 30 seconds later, had to unbuckle and move into the aisle so the window seat person could climb in).  This would also probably help your efficiency.
  • Have you ever thought about asking passengers to fast from certain foods before flying--just like the doctor asks you to not eat/drink before a surgery??? Here are a few suggestions of foods that should be banned: corn nuts, cabbage, beef jerky and Indian food. I'm sure there are others, but this will keep you busy for a while if you focus on these.
  • What about requiring passengers to do a breathalyzer test?  Not for alcohol, but for bad breath from eating the banned products above.  If your neighbor can smell your lunch, it's just not good.  An on that same note, since when are passengers allowed to bring food wrapped in foil on a 2 hour flight?  Seriously, I don't want to see or smell your sausage. And you might want to warn your other passengers that even seabands are no match to Indian food.
  • And similar to the breathalyzer, could there be a smell-detector of B.O?  You could even use canines to sniff this out.  Then you could give them some deodorant and step to the side until they think they are ready to try again.
  • Could you create a social media page for each flight?  Each passenger would submit their pic and give a few thoughts about themselves.  This would make selecting your seat so much easier.  I would not have chose to sit next to B.O. guy because he would have posted something about himself that gave me a red flag.  Or, if it's the only seat left, I would know to bring nose plugs or ear plugs if my fellow passenger likes to talk a lot.  You could even include a question like, "What food will you eat right before you board your next flight?  Just sayin'.
  • The armrest under the window should go up and down.  This could allow an extra 2" of space--and when you're trying to get as far away as possible from B.O. guy, every inch counts.
  • Can you remind the aisle seat people that if they are going to sleep so soundly that no amount of poking and saying "Excuse me" would cause them to wake up when you need to go to the bathroom and let you out.  My daughter once climbed over a man while he was sleeping because we could not wake him.  Can you imagine the lawsuit you would have been included in if he had woken up when my daughter was mid straddle???
  • Would you clean the windows before each flight?  Sitting down to nose prints on your little window--ewww, just ewwww (and they create a little blurry smudge spot in the middle of any pics you try to take of the wings of your plane flying into the sunset--because that's such an original picture that your friends just HAVE to see). 
These are just a few of my thoughts--if you want to contact me to have me in your think tank, I would be happy to rearrange my schedule to help you out further.

Sincerely, a frequent flyer

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