Several months back, I wrote a post about friends and how hard it was to make and keep the really deep worthwhile ones at this stage of life. (Again, if I knew how to link you to it here, I would, but that’s not gonna happen because I’m technically-deficient. One of these days, one of the 7 of you who follow me are gonna figure it out and tell me so you don’t have to listen to me babble on about this anymore).
Whew—I wrote one sentences and started rabbit-trailing…this is gonna be a good one, huh? Hope you took your ADD meds!
So anyway, I am a comparer. I constantly look at what other people have and measure myself by it. I know it’s wrong. I know it steals my joy. I truly have even turned over to God… a few times. And while, I don’t do it as much as I used to, there are some things that are triggers for me.
Friends are one of those things. From the outside looking in, it always seems that others can make friends so easily. In fact, there have been several times where I have introduced people that I like, and they become best buddies. Love that for them, but there is a part of me that just feels sad and the insecurity rises inside and Satan starts whispering how unlovable I am.
Ok…enough into my crazy mind. I could go on for a loooooong time here.
Last night, I gathered with some friends. I won’t tell you where or what, cuz it’s kinda a secret thing. But, it’s fun. I’ve been doing it for about a year now. One friend invites a few others over. The number invited has grown. And it’s one of those nights that I look forward to for weeks before it happens. Seriously. I plan my week around it and think I would cry if I was out of town and couldn’t make it. (I know, I know, I cry about everything so that’s not really a big deal—but it REALLY is to me).
As I was driving home last night, those insecurities started up again. Did I talk too much or not enough? Did I mesh well with others there? Did I say some things that were just awkward? There were a lot of people, am I gonna lose my spot to some of the other cooler people? All those things you think in high school and should grow out of.
And for a moment, the joy of the evening was sucked out of me. BUT, then I had to text my friend to let her know that I got home safe (something that is probably silly to some, but somehow feels nice to me). And went to bed with a smile on my face.
As I thought about my lamenting my lack of deep friendships a few months ago, I realized that God had really answered my prayer before I prayed it. He placed such wonderful people around me—many with whom my friendships have simmered and not jumped right to boiling (not sure that word picture makes sense here, but that’s the best way I can describe it). Not necessarily the “best friend” like I had in high school who I called about everything. BUT, He has provided several friends for different aspects of my life. Friends that I really LOVE!!!
I texted one friend yesterday and asked her to pray about something for me. And I know she will. I chatted with another on the phone—who’s in a total different life stage than me—and hung up feeling a kindred spirit in her. I saw another for the first time in several weeks and while we didn’t get to talk much, it was just reassuring. Another hugged me for a long time—something we’ve never really done (contrary to what you would think—I’m really not a hugger) and I just felt the warmth oozing out of her.
So this morning, when I woke up, the smile was still on my face. Sounds cheesy, but, if you read this blog often, you already know I’m a cheesy-kinda girl.
LOVE that God provides things/people for us—even when we fail to acknowledge or understand what He’s done. Reminds me of grocery shopping. (I know—totally random—just stick with me here a minute). I go to the store every week (well, almost) and I buy food that I think Brian and the girls will eat. Sometimes, I buy the crap they want, but not most of the time. Usually, I buy the things that I know will help them grow healthier. And they complain. “Do we have to eat chicken? I want McDonalds!” But, every once in a while, they realize how yummy that grilled chicken really is. And they clean their plate. And they acknowledge it was good and that I really do know what’s best for them (okay, the last part was a lie—they don’t ever think I know what’s best for them).
But more than that, they realize how great the stuff they already have is. And they are grateful—even for just a moment. But I LIVE for that moment.
I wonder if God fells like that with me when I pray for a “best” friend and after fun nights like last night, I give up my pre-conceived thoughts and just acknowledge the beauty of the very different friendships I have.