Last year at this time, I was preparing to undergo surgery to get a BAHA. For those of you who have been under a rock and haven't heard me talk about my hearing loss, you can look back in my older posts, esp. One Week to get the scoop. (Do you like how I refer to “those of you”—as if I have a huge following and more than three of you are reading this?)
Anyway, I had my 1 year check-up a week early. This appointment was so very different from the one I had this time last year. First of all, going to the ear doctor is actually kind of fun for me now, since I know that I have options and am not going to be deaf. Secondly, it’s the only place I go where I am decades younger than everyone there (plus it’s fun to have the little ladies look at me—I can just see the questions forming in their head and am hoping one day, one of them will just come out and ask me what the heck I’m doing there).
Back to the appointment…it was a quick one—no tests this time—just Dr. Fred looking in my ears and asking me some questions and then I left. The most exciting thing about the morning was getting gas in downtown Dallas (which I’ll probably blog about later).
Almost a let-down. I mean, a year ago, I thought going deaf was an idea that I had to get used to. Then, almost overnight, I found out that I would be able to hear again. I thought it would completely change my life. I expected to cry at the sound of bird singing and get warm fuzzies when I heard my girls’ laughter. I know it’s cheesy, but that’s where my mind went as I thought about having a surgery that would enable me to hear again out of both ears.
It’s not that I’m ungrateful or take for granted the restoration of my hearing. Honestly, every morning, as I put on my BAHA, I think about how fortunate I am and thank God. But I haven’t had any break-through moments because of it. It has made a difference, but it is more subtle than I thought it would be. I’m able to talk on the phone easier and am not always asking “What?” when people talk to me.
Oftentimes, we fall in love with an idea and build up our expectations. Then, whether our expectations are met or not, we immediately start looking for another project—or something else to look forward to. When I say "we," I really mean "ME." This is what I do.
What I wish I did is to celebrate the daily-ness of what happens to me, and not just be looking for the next big thing. I want to feel that it’s okay to be steadfast and that there isn’t anything wrong with me because I’m not living on the edge. Does that even make sense?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really hope that God is just as happy with me when I am living in my daily-ness of things and not just when I am overwhelmed with His goodness. I say hope because I'm not sure I believe that yet--even though I want to.
I guess the question I have to ask myself every day and every moment is, "Am I wasting this opportunity or living it out the way He is leading me?"
Now, if only the answer was always as clear as the question.