The other day, I found myself trying to one-up someone. I'm sure this never happens to anyone else, but I find myself in this position at least weekly (probably daily if I were really honest here).
Instead of being happy and celebrating with the person talking about this great thing that had happened, I smiled and immediately launched into how great that was for her, but that doesn't work for my family. In a few sentences, I belittled her joy and explained why we do it a different way and it really has a bigger impact this way.
When I realized what I had done, I was completely embarrassed. In fact, I still have never gone back to apologize. As I started my over-analyzation process, I tried to figure out why I felt the need to do that. Here's what I came up with:
All ugly things. I worry that because the traditional way doesn't typically work for me and my girls, it means that we don't know Jesus as well as we think we do. I'm scared that others see and think that. I'm also scared that others feel the same way as me, but aren't brave enough to speak up (which fuels my need to speak up more than I should).
And, honestly, there are few things I hate worse than feeling like someone is better than me. I know I should hate the fact that people die every day without knowing Jesus, and there is so much abuse in the world and there are hungry kids in every city/town. And I do hate those things, but sometimes, not as much as I hate feeling small.
Reminds me of something a friend of mine said in college--all sin is rooted in pride. Sounds like it fits for me.
There's no bow on the end of this post--I have nothing to tie it up prettily with. Just ponderings. And prayers that God will grip my heart and close my mouth the next time I try to make excuses. Feel free to pray that for me, too--Lord knows there can't ever be enough people praying for me.