Today started out like most mornings. I had good intentions, but mixing the muffins took longer than I thought it would so I was 9 minutes late waking up the girls. Then I remembered it was trash day and as I was going to pull the overflowing bag out of the trashcan, I saw muffin wrappers and gum on the floor around it. So I griped at the girls about the grossness of it.
Then I made lunches and griped at the girls because their lunchboxes weren't on the counter ready to go for me.
Then I heard the dogs whining, so I complained that nobody but me must love our dogs because they don't feed them. After which, Caroline jumped up and got their food for them...and then left their cups on the kitchen countertop instead of putting them back in their rightful place.
Then we all headed out to the backyard to let the ducks and chickens out of their houses and give them fresh water--amidst my rushing the girls so they wouldn't be late for school.
It was time to walk out the door, but I was still trying to cut an iris and wrap it's stem for teacher appreciation week because I forgot to pick up a flower at the store last night. Did I mention that I didn't see the note of what all we were supposed to be sending this week until yesterday--after I dug for it because I saw another mom in the grocery store (yes--I know, that would have been perfect timing to pick up a flower, but I was too busy searching for the tortellini in the deli section to make this amazing pinterest recipe I saw--which I never found so now I have diced tomatoes and sausage and am trying to figure out something else for dinner tonight). As I was trying to pull the dead parts of the iris off, one of the blooms fell off. No worries, there was still one left, so I cut it and made it work...until I was walking out the door and it broke off, too.
Caroline was outside instead of brushing teeth or hair so Hope made a run for the bus stop while I yelled at Caroline for being pokey and not having her priorities straight--which made her cry and go even slower, trying to wipe tears as she brushed her teeth. We made it to the bus stop literally as Ms. Tina pulled up to the corner. I yelled, "I really do love you!!!" out the window to the girls and headed back to the house.
And felt like an utter failure.
I hate yelling. And griping. And nagging. And laying guilt trips. And causing my beautiful daughters to cry.
But I do it more often than I like to admit.
As I sat down with my own muffin (whose wrapper DID make it inside the trashcan), I saw this Youtube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oQqnKm0jqM.
And to nobody's surprise, I cried.
I know I failed this morning. But I wonder how many of these people's moms felt the same way most mornings? How many of them worried their kids would grow up feeling unloved or unworthy because of the craziness of school day mornings.
And I wonder how many of my other mom friends feel the way I do today? How many post the pinterest kitchen décor ideas when they have gum stuck to their kitchen floor and something sticky on the fridge handle that they are just too tired to wipe off for the 4th time today? How many started out the day with a picture in their minds of the family sitting around the table smiling at each other over breakfast, saying please and thank you to each other (ok--I may have gone a little far on that one).
I have no wise words for you. I can't tell you it will get easier. Or that you will miraculously never yell again. Or gripe. Or lay a guilt trip.
What I am clinging to for myself is the promise that His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23) and I get a do-over (Thank you Karen for posting that verse this morning--it's my favorite)!
And that fills my heart with hope and peace and gratitude.