Have you ever talked to your daughter on the phone and she insisted you hurry and get home because your husband had put salt in the bb gun and was shooting flies? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever asked your husband to give your chicken a haircut? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever made your daughter listen to a song from the first concert you went to and then realized as you're singing at the top of your lungs how totally inappropriate it was for a 12-year-old? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever stooped to paying your older child to help her sister with her homework?
Have you ever burned a bag of popcorn and 2 hours later still smell it on your hands? Yeah, me neither
Have you ever gotten a call from your teenager at 9pm, asking if you would come pick up her and her 4 friends from a camp out because it's raining and lightning and oh--can they all just spend the night at your house that isn't clean and smells like a wet dog?
Have you ever had your daughter bring a chicken into the house who keeps falling asleep in her arms? Yeah, me neither
Have you ever run off to the lake with your hubby on a weeknight, leaving a sick kid and her sister at home??
Have you ever waited Til your bladder was more than full and on your way to the restroom gotten behind the guy who stops to pick out a toothpick (blocking your way around him) and then proceeds to walk in the middle of the hallway, slowly picking his teeth the whole way? Yeah, me neither
Have you ever laughed at someone who said his arms were sore from taking pictures and 6 hrs later--after doing the same thing-- regretted it? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever been scrolling FB and realized you almost missed opening day for the Snowcone Lady so you told your girls to jump in the car and you raced to Frisco? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever been sitting in your backyard, minding your own business reading, and looked down to find a chicken staring up at you? Yeah, me neither
Have your kids ever popped balloons with a blow dart? Yeah, mine neither
Have you ever gotten everything you needed ready for work--even packed up blankets, sweatshirts, coats for a track meet after work and patted yourself on the back for being on top of everything...then you realize you left your purse at home...an hour away...with all your money, work keys, etc in it..and you are headed into a lunch? Yeah, me neither
Have you ever found yourself in the car heading to the mall with 3 teenagers who are going to help you pick out an outfit? Yeah, me neither
Have you ever been afraid of being mauled by a flock of chickens because you fed the dogs before you gave them scratch? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever gotten home from church and realized your fitbit battery died at some point during the morning and the one day that you actually get your steps in so you that you don't feel as much like a loser didn't even get counted??? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever been sitting in traffic on 380 and accidentally blocked an entrance? Yeah me neither. (In your defense, you probably didn't know not 1, but 2 cars would want to turn into the liquor store at 7am)
Have you ever clicked on a cute video of a dad and daughter singing "Let it Go" before bed and woke up the next day with it playing over and over in your head? And over and over again? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever gone to heat up a bowl of BEEF stew, only to realize, someone ate all of the beef and just left you with the stew? Yeah, me neither.
Which is worse...the smell of dirty dogs in the back seat or corn nuts in the front?
Have you ever bribed your kid with a ChickFilA peppermint choc chip milkshake? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever been sitting with your 97 yr old Granny and she keeps changing the channel to a Spanish show that nobody--including herself--can understand but she doesn't hear you ask her to change it bc it's so loud? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever fed your chickens watermelon and a seed got left behind and decided to grow in your backyard? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever had to stop for gas 4 times in 1 week bc you kept just putting a little bit in to hold you over to the place that has it 10 cents cheaper but you kept forgetting to stop there and your low fuel light came on when you were nowhere near the cheap station? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever eaten a slice of the dessert pizza before you took it to your friend's house for dinner?
Have you ever gotten your kids out the door and let out a deep sigh of relief that it's the last dress-up day for red ribbon week...and then you remember Halloween is tomorrow and your oldest still doesn't have her costume?
Have you ever asked your daughter to move her tutu off the kitchen island and she moves it to the kitchen table? Obviously I haven't.
Have you ever agreed to let your daughter and her friends tie-dye a bunch of stuff, and then hid in your room so you didn't get dragged into the mess? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever borrowed your co-worker's stapler only to find that he doesn't have any stinkin staples in it?
Have you ever sat around watching old episodes of Undercover Boss all afternoon and become such a sappy mess you aren't good for anything the rest of the night? Ummm....yeah, me neither
Have you ever cracked yourself up using the Bitmoji app to send your kids weird texts that freak them out?
Have you ever walked in your daughters bathroom and found her puke bucket...from the night before...with "stuff" still in it?
Remember that time when your hubby didn't like the way you parked so he re-parked after you got out? Yeah, me neither
Have you ever walked into a room that you could see had just been mopped, you could smell had just been mopped, but you still fall on your knees and slide all the way across on your booty? Yeah, me neither.
Have you ever written a blog post entirely copied from facebook #askingforafriend posts?
Yeah, me neither.