Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Dreading the big 3-9

In less than a month, I will turn 39. And I’m dreading it. Typically, I love birthdays—more so other people’s than my own, but I love to celebrate people and the incredible gift they are to this world. On my birthday, having a facebook account is the best—there are literally hundreds of birthday wishes.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I am, for lack of a better word, grieving this birthday. You’d think 40 would be harder, and it might be, but the numbers 3 and 9 just loom in front of my face most days—not to mention, my day is on a Monday this year and not much good happens on Mondays.

Being true to myself, I’ve over-analyzed my feelings of gloom surrounding this to try to figure out why it feels like a black cloud hanging above my head. Thirty-nine is not really old (although to the younger 20 somethings I’m sure it seems that way). Nothing has drastically changed this year. So why does the thought of it just make me want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head?

One reason, I think, is friends. I have them and if you look at my facebook friend list, it looks like I’m really popular. Until you weed through the work contacts, old college and high school friends I never talk to anymore. Then my list is small. AND, very short of bosom friends. Don’t get me wrong—I do have friends, even many “fridge-door-right friends (you know—the ones you are comfortable enough going into their kitchen and getting something out of their fridge without asking). So, if you are one of those friends, please don’t be offended by this post—I do value your friendship.

But, I long for something deeper some days (like being able to call or be called at midnight to get a second opinion on some crazy thought or feeling you just had that stems from some dark place inside you that you are scared to enter alone) And something more shallow some days (like a text in the middle of the afternoon saying—I saw this thing that is perfect for you and am on my way to bring it over).

Another reason is my calling. I KNOW I am called to do what I do, but the reality has finally set in that it also means we may always struggle financially. Working for a church, while an utter blessing, is not the way to get rich—in terms of money. That being said, God continues to bless my family with gifts that are absolutely amazing and affirm my decision to keep doing what I do. I don’t regret that I am called to this or even mourn it, but I also have come to grips with the fact that my hair will never have that every 6 weeks colored and cut look (I know—that last sentence is the utter essence of the word “shallow” but I’m just keeping it real here, folks).

So, I’m trying to be thankful and remember the oh-so-many good things I have been blessed with right now. And I am grateful.

But that 39 is still looming ahead and sucking my joy right now.


mom2crazygirls said...

shoot, im dreading 36 this year... its like ive moved over the hump and am that much closer to 40. of course it doesnt help when i tell kalyss that no, we did not have cell phones or a computer when i was a kid and she replies with "mom, it makes me think that you were a kid 1000 years ago when you say stuff like that. "
ya, not helping kalyss. LOL

Leigh Ishee said...

Angel - I really didn't like being in my 30's. But being 40 now has been great so far. I know what you mean about longing for those close bosom friends.

From one of your old college friends ;)

April said...

I totally get this post! I've started settling in to the view that friendships are just harder and not the same as they were in college. My bosom friend in college, it was like our only purpose for existing was to get to know each other. We'd move 2 twin beds together in the dorm just so we could talk all night. And she could totally tick me off by speaking truth, but I grew in the process. As an adult, I just find it harder to connect like that. I have different kinds of friends now, definitely good ones, I'm just finding there are different friends for different purposes, like maybe girl friends, couple friends, school mom friends, don't know if just one bosom friend can fulfill all those roles, b/c I have so many roles now as an adult, opposed to when I was just a college student.
Anyway, a friend (well actually my hairdresser, who I only see every 3 months, so is that really a friend? :) ) just read "Friendships for Grownups" by Lisa Whelchel, said it's a great read!
Oh OK, so when you sent that text yesterday about the peeps, you really did want me to bring them over?? :)

Tonya said...

It's so funny (not ha ha funny) reading this today b/c just this morning, after seeing you last night, I was wishing our everyday paths crossed more. You are one of those friends that I can laugh with about shallow and silly things and everyday things yet can also be real about deeper things, too. In a weird sort of way, getting to spend some time with you made me MISS you more!! Love you, friend. And you are always welcome to open the fridge at my guarantees about what you will find (maybe a science experiment or two) but always welcome nonetheless! :)